Come love, tell me something I don't know
something that would help me and lead me to show
Come love, hand me your book on how it goes
that this may last more than a fold, that this may not be where my wind blows

Learn me to fly that I may know how to fall
Learn me to smile that I may know how cry

Crease what I hold in my hand
Cause it's starting to seep like sand
Cause me pain like you know it to be
Crease my heart so I may not see

Come love, I never did ask much of you
all I asked was someone to hold on to...

back to square one

I hate it that I'm so transparent...

They saw right through me. I felt like I was a sight to behold, a show, an entertainment to satisfy their curiosity, their hunger for wanting to know what's going on.

I hope some of them did really care..

Why is this so hard when I've been here before? Why does my heart still cry even if I knew someday, there was a possibility she would go? My anguish in defeat for what I caused...for driving her away.

The fault was mine...

Was I too demanding? Was I too possessive? Was I too mean? Did I lack something? Was I not able to do something? Maybe all those and more...I just wish I could have it alll back...I'm in a world of pain now...

but I will do this...I have to...

Looking at my reflection

And out of nowhere he was casted away from the rest,

all hopes layed down staring at what blead inside his chest

a heavy heart, a piece of mine

all I have forgotten to none of these are find

till the day is done

then I will shout nay

till my breath is done

then I will love

till thee

say

no

I see my eyes starting to glisten of tears...

It's been eight months since I've started my journey into what most would call "the real world".

It's been that long and I find myself staring at the stranger I see in the mirror. I asked him why such the long face? He told me that he was glad to see me and asked why It took me such a long time to find him. I felt really bad that I let him down. He confided to me about how things have gone so bad. It took him every ounce of strength he had left to make one last effort to make things right.

And so his journey unfolded..

He started out like this you see, all bruised and battered up. Then we met, and worked some kinks out and in the middle of it all, he was rising and taking what was his. He was getting things done, doing things right, commendations from left to right, compliments here and there. He even started earning a little extra on the side...people loved him and praised him and everyone wanted a piece of his pie.

Now look at him. All washed up and battered up again. Deep in debt, weary all the time, a case working up against him in court, his relationship on the ropes, unpayed bills, his savings account overdrawn..ho-ho...

What more can you ask for?

And so now my battle for self-recuperation begins...I have know take the first step into finding myself and the mess I've created in my life. I've done this before and I can do it all over again.

One at a time

1. First things first, I've to reorganize my expenses in order to pay up for my my bills and my debt. It's going to take a little more sacrifice in order to clear up on it but money is a very sensitive issue and so i want to have that away as soon as possible.
2. Number 2 is more of out of my reach but all the same goes, I'm going to be in full support of whatever terms are deciding on my faith lying in the hands of mom's lawyer friend...(God help me!).
3. I've neglected myself for the past few months and I'd like to take the opportunity to takecare of myself and lessen my chances of getting lung cancer (seriously!).
4. As for my relationship issues, I've to suck it in and take it like a man...(whatever the outcome is=c)
5. I have to live a little more...

It has come to my attention that somewhere in the middle of it all, I have seem to lost touch of my life. I've concentrated to much in my personal affairs that I've forgetten everything else...It's time to get that life back and work from there again. This is going to be really tough, but I'll get there...someday soon...

provoked

I find myself fascinated by loneliness
every which way I turn
silence screams at me
leaves me all withered and cold

please bring comfort to these weary eyes
all hope seeping out of
come lay your burden at my door
with all endowed of
i bring to forth

lesson me be quary
or to somewhat of that effect
that each lesson came from a story
that each teardrop has a tale

either or
me or more
this and that
and all hope's wrath

bleed me dry
strain my eyes
in effect to all that's been said
a love that's lost
all in my head

Loser

9:11
As usual, here I am again stuck in this Godforsaken place we call work. A couple of hours more till my shift starts and I have nothing better to do than to console to my only friend which is this...

I hung up on her again earlier today out of frustration. I hate it when I do that. It's just so annoying and unnerving that I couldn't seem to get a few minutes of her time to at least talk about nothing. I am indeed trying my best to cope up or to adjust to her needs and her wants, but even though I try reasoning with her my point she always makes me feel that I'm wrong and that I'm taking up too much of her time. I just feel bad most of the time because everytime I want to talk to her or at least get her attention, I have to get in line.

I know it sounds a bit selfish if you read it for what it is, It's just that I've always seen myself as a very understanding person and God knows that I am. If I am indeed all that of what I've said, then why do I feel like I'm the unreasonable one in this relationship? Have I changed? Reason why I think this is because they say the people you spend most of your time with determine the type of person you are. This is what she makes me feel. I understand rhat she needs her "alone time", I understand it the she ahs so much stuff going on when she's home, I understand it when she wants to do something else...It's just really frustrating at times because she gets too tied up with all these things that even though something comes up and I want to tell her about it I have to hold up...

I'm so pathetic aren't I? All my friends are too caught up with their work and the others are too caught up with their special someone...The minute I get home, I don't have anyone to talk to because no one's there...She even told me once

" Do you expect me to fill up everything
that's lacking in your life?"...

I don't expect her to, all I needed was a friend...Not that I'm expecting her to shower me with her most undivided attention or expect anything in return, it's just that I thought part of the reason why I get into this relationship was to fill up something that's been missing in my life...Yet why is it that she makes me feel like I'm all alone. Maybe she's right that I'm too demanding of her time...

But don't get me wrong, I really feel strongly for her...I've sacrifice so much just so I can always make her happy, make her smile, make her stay a bit longer, make her love me more...I would go the extra mile all the time just so I can please her just so she would be satisfied even if it would cause me to have nothing left for the following day. When I started working, I was pretty much doing it for myself. Even though I hate my job now, I'm just working for her..I guess I pretty much forgrt about myself too. I'm just so much at a lost...Someone please pick me up and put me in my place. I guess I just need someone to talk too..Sad isn't it?

Undoing

Wasted hours it seems as I am tragically stuck in a position given no choice but to reside with. Two more freakin hours before work starts and here I am before you again.

What do I do here you ask? Well, I was able to suffice at least two hours more of sleep, hoping it would be more tho. But due to the inhumanly like quality of snoring some people make, I think they should have a new word for it cause it's so bad I feel like I can sue...Anyhow, during one my lonesome lung cancer sessions with no one else but me of course, (how pathetic is that?!) I managed to bump into her again...I usually don't make eye contact, but isn't it weird that no matter how you try to avoid somebody or something, life tends to slap it in your face. all started when my tummy was shouting for nourishment so I had to run down to 7/11 to grab me a hotdog. As soon as my feet cut the corner of ponticello and 7/11, you notice how the world suddenly revolves around you..Eyes following, jokes seeping, smirks getting louder by the second...As much as it doesn't have a direct effect on me, I cant help but feel the word "GUILTY" written on my forehead...

In the life I've lead, I've never managed to be the "Marked Person" in someone else's life...Reason being? I guess by nature, I make it a point to be civil with everyone. I remember what a friend of mine in highschool used to say; "Wouldn't it be nice that people look up to you cause they see you as a friend and not as some asshole?". I guess in my entire life, seeing her made me feel like I was such @#$!- not that I wasn't aware of the choice I made whe I decided to do what was more fitting, Don't get me wrong, I love Monique like anything...

Saving face, I had to eat my hotdog inside the store! I couldn't bare to tolerate what was waiting for me outside...I played numb and forced-swallowed my food when her friends would pick on me by malicely going in the store to see what I was up to (pretending to buy stuff). The part of it that I don't get is that will I forever play pawn to the guilt I feel because of leaving her for someone whom I truly love?

I mean, fine, the fault is mine...I succumbed to what I thought would work but am I not human enough to commit a mistake? This is actually the first time in my life that something like this has ever happened to me. Was I suppose to know what to do?

And so after the storm the tides saty frantic, I sat in a dark corner pondering about it all...lighting a cigarette hopefully to help me cope with what anguish and burden I already carried on my shoulder.

I guess In a manner of speaking, I feel awfull for what happened. i was responsible for it cause I made it happen...It's just a shame because she showed me the door to what she thought we were both to walk into together, and I opened it for her and showed her the way out..

Humor me

at the coast or where i be
a dirty glass
an empty stool
humor me please
to your heart's content

you see me
you feel me
i know of whispers
humor me please
to your heart's content

i see you
i think of you
i wish of you
humor me please

to my heart's content...

DE-FEAT

I'm at work right now and my shift doesn't start till 4:00 am..oh boy, God grant me strength to go on...I haven't had a decent night's sleep aversion's I crashed my car. I begin to think that my stupidity somehow has become my greatest unfolding.

In the most recent events in my life's journey, I've done what I perceive to be the things that would take me places and reach my goals WHAMM!!! smoke rising, temperatures flaring...What goals? Reflecting back a few months ago and looking at what I have right now, I feel that something lacked. Everything just ran by me and moved so fast that I forgot how to live my life . I got too comfortable with everything that was happening that I forgot how to breathe...

Early this evening as soon as I got to work, I decided to splurge some of what was left of my riches on a cheap ass snack that would hopefully get me by during my "pre-shift coffee break" later around 3:00am. I suddenly bumped into one of my teamleads, who was killing his last few hours in Manila because he's to fly to UK for training on a new account tomorrow I think. He saw through me..

It cut so deep because I didn't know that it was quite that obvious to begin with. I took it as a chance to somehow have a wider perception of what is to come and what may be there already that I may have overlooked.

In a manner of speaking, I guess this was one of those ; "Don't forget to see if your feet are still on the ground." kind of reminder. I took what precious commodity I could salvage and abused it's being. Careless of what people think, careless of what tomorrow may bring, I was looking straight unto fear's eyes...And in that one brief moment, I was astonished to find that there I was picking myself up once again, a pat on the back, and
Life goes on...

'Newyork's finest"

We all came from the same dough...we have all been molded together at the same time maybe, or maybe some ahead of the other. We rose and served our purpose..some were sent to the bakeshop downtown, while other's were sent somewhere else. I ended up in a pizza parlor. My destiny, my reality, I was to be a Cheese pizza. Nothing fancy, nothing new, just plain cheese. I heard the owner say while i was lying down with the rest of the dough ready for baking.."keep him for later, I wanna try something."..I lay there nervous as his finger was pointed directly at me..."Was I to be doomed and thrown away or fancied for some science experiment later on?" I thought..whatever it was, there would be no escaping...I didn't choose what pizza i wanted to be you see, back before they started delivering us doughs, we were even asked what we wanted to become..I didnt say anything then. Being contented with whatever God put in front of me.

Until one day....

It was very unexpected I tell you...She graced the pizza parlor like a moviestar walking down a redcarpet. How I could'nt take my eyes of her, how i envy the the glass of icetea touching her lips..
She ordered Newyork's finest..

Smiling, she walked away with it. From that instance on, I knew what I wanted to be...I knew it in my heart. "I wanna be newyork's finest"...I caught myself saying...

But the thing is you see, the dough they used for that type of pizza were the imported ones...And I was just good enough to be plain cheese..
Doomed i was i thought..."She wouldn't want me, she won't even take a look at me if i'm just plain cheese...". I pleaded to the manager to the cashier, to the janitor, to the delivery boy...No one would hear me out...

So on the shelf of dreams i layed thinking. "i can never be the dough I want to be..." i sulked.

"In reason lies contentment, and in contentment lies reason.."

My chef friend then whispered to me..And crystal as the searing heat of the oven, I knew what I must do..."I will be a Newyork's finest pizza...The best ever!" I stormed the kitchen and like Dr. Frankenstein, I was up all night working on becoming the "Ultimate Newyork's Finest Pizza!".

So i guess your all wondering what happened to me after that. Were together now, that girl in the story. And I'm loving every minute of it I tell you..So I guess your wondering if I ended up being a Newyork's finest huh? Nope...it was impossible. To this day I still sometimes dream I could become her favorite pizza, but I know I'm not. That night in the kitchen, I decided to be the best cheese pizza that I could be...and as the days go by, I just try my best to make her happy with being me...No anchovies, no beef or pork slices, no garlic or onions...just plain cheese..just me..I hope I can go on making her happy and content.

come wine and dine

Here are the keys
Open my heart
Be it a lease
Let it be a start

And you will find
What must be found
In passions kind
Come here love’s sound

Move in and stay
Come wine and dine

i wish i knew

How I wish I knew
Of how inspiration can be
That of sweet sorrow
And not that of tragedy
Come & here the violins cry
I share with them a song
Of loneliness in these cold hours

Come wind, be a friend
Invite me to play with you
As you brush against my face,
Lick my tears dry til no more are found
It may take a while
For this feeling I’m bound

Hope seeps out silently
As day & night trade places
I close my eyes and run to you
I miss you… I love you
And now, just now
I don’t have the slightest clue
Of what I should I do

too fast it seems

too fast it seems
how you can outrun time
and live life like it's another day's work
to all my heart's envy
not a single word
nor do i hear a single breath
how i wish i can be like you
not to care too much
not to hurt at all
i stood up for just a minute
you came running--
only to close the door
and behind me it slammed
the echoes, rising loudly til now
i'm just sad you see
because i loved... to all my heart's giving
i blame you not
i just wish you told me from the start
but then again, how are you to know?
that my heart you will unsew

for the moment

As told of time, the reason for being is dealt with historically open ending chapters of a somewhat fantasy rollercoaster ride. Welcome to my life.

A student I say...Always am, always will be. no greater than what i know and what i came to discover. Treading along the way I purchase what my heart contents of and believe in it until one day, faith takes me to where i should be standing

for the moment...

Sometimes, i mean to take charge...but it always takes me back to square 1...So I let my feet be swept by Love, Hate, Desire, Compassion -I am left unlearned. Scars will heal...the earth will be up on it's feet...the wind will take my thoughts and leave ideas. Too profound at times, I dare challenge what twisted entanglements of dreams, wantings and that of resentment and sling them around me to grow from it hopefully. I light a candle of my fingers' to feel what is real.

So now I lay down my life on the table...scanning through it's pages, some torn, some folded, some worn and some left untouched..

this is me

this is how

this will be

my life

the greatest lesson

still learning

still growing...