Undoing

Wasted hours it seems as I am tragically stuck in a position given no choice but to reside with. Two more freakin hours before work starts and here I am before you again.

What do I do here you ask? Well, I was able to suffice at least two hours more of sleep, hoping it would be more tho. But due to the inhumanly like quality of snoring some people make, I think they should have a new word for it cause it's so bad I feel like I can sue...Anyhow, during one my lonesome lung cancer sessions with no one else but me of course, (how pathetic is that?!) I managed to bump into her again...I usually don't make eye contact, but isn't it weird that no matter how you try to avoid somebody or something, life tends to slap it in your face. all started when my tummy was shouting for nourishment so I had to run down to 7/11 to grab me a hotdog. As soon as my feet cut the corner of ponticello and 7/11, you notice how the world suddenly revolves around you..Eyes following, jokes seeping, smirks getting louder by the second...As much as it doesn't have a direct effect on me, I cant help but feel the word "GUILTY" written on my forehead...

In the life I've lead, I've never managed to be the "Marked Person" in someone else's life...Reason being? I guess by nature, I make it a point to be civil with everyone. I remember what a friend of mine in highschool used to say; "Wouldn't it be nice that people look up to you cause they see you as a friend and not as some asshole?". I guess in my entire life, seeing her made me feel like I was such @#$!- not that I wasn't aware of the choice I made whe I decided to do what was more fitting, Don't get me wrong, I love Monique like anything...

Saving face, I had to eat my hotdog inside the store! I couldn't bare to tolerate what was waiting for me outside...I played numb and forced-swallowed my food when her friends would pick on me by malicely going in the store to see what I was up to (pretending to buy stuff). The part of it that I don't get is that will I forever play pawn to the guilt I feel because of leaving her for someone whom I truly love?

I mean, fine, the fault is mine...I succumbed to what I thought would work but am I not human enough to commit a mistake? This is actually the first time in my life that something like this has ever happened to me. Was I suppose to know what to do?

And so after the storm the tides saty frantic, I sat in a dark corner pondering about it all...lighting a cigarette hopefully to help me cope with what anguish and burden I already carried on my shoulder.

I guess In a manner of speaking, I feel awfull for what happened. i was responsible for it cause I made it happen...It's just a shame because she showed me the door to what she thought we were both to walk into together, and I opened it for her and showed her the way out..