DE-FEAT

I'm at work right now and my shift doesn't start till 4:00 am..oh boy, God grant me strength to go on...I haven't had a decent night's sleep aversion's I crashed my car. I begin to think that my stupidity somehow has become my greatest unfolding.

In the most recent events in my life's journey, I've done what I perceive to be the things that would take me places and reach my goals WHAMM!!! smoke rising, temperatures flaring...What goals? Reflecting back a few months ago and looking at what I have right now, I feel that something lacked. Everything just ran by me and moved so fast that I forgot how to live my life . I got too comfortable with everything that was happening that I forgot how to breathe...

Early this evening as soon as I got to work, I decided to splurge some of what was left of my riches on a cheap ass snack that would hopefully get me by during my "pre-shift coffee break" later around 3:00am. I suddenly bumped into one of my teamleads, who was killing his last few hours in Manila because he's to fly to UK for training on a new account tomorrow I think. He saw through me..

It cut so deep because I didn't know that it was quite that obvious to begin with. I took it as a chance to somehow have a wider perception of what is to come and what may be there already that I may have overlooked.

In a manner of speaking, I guess this was one of those ; "Don't forget to see if your feet are still on the ground." kind of reminder. I took what precious commodity I could salvage and abused it's being. Careless of what people think, careless of what tomorrow may bring, I was looking straight unto fear's eyes...And in that one brief moment, I was astonished to find that there I was picking myself up once again, a pat on the back, and
Life goes on...

'Newyork's finest"

We all came from the same dough...we have all been molded together at the same time maybe, or maybe some ahead of the other. We rose and served our purpose..some were sent to the bakeshop downtown, while other's were sent somewhere else. I ended up in a pizza parlor. My destiny, my reality, I was to be a Cheese pizza. Nothing fancy, nothing new, just plain cheese. I heard the owner say while i was lying down with the rest of the dough ready for baking.."keep him for later, I wanna try something."..I lay there nervous as his finger was pointed directly at me..."Was I to be doomed and thrown away or fancied for some science experiment later on?" I thought..whatever it was, there would be no escaping...I didn't choose what pizza i wanted to be you see, back before they started delivering us doughs, we were even asked what we wanted to become..I didnt say anything then. Being contented with whatever God put in front of me.

Until one day....

It was very unexpected I tell you...She graced the pizza parlor like a moviestar walking down a redcarpet. How I could'nt take my eyes of her, how i envy the the glass of icetea touching her lips..
She ordered Newyork's finest..

Smiling, she walked away with it. From that instance on, I knew what I wanted to be...I knew it in my heart. "I wanna be newyork's finest"...I caught myself saying...

But the thing is you see, the dough they used for that type of pizza were the imported ones...And I was just good enough to be plain cheese..
Doomed i was i thought..."She wouldn't want me, she won't even take a look at me if i'm just plain cheese...". I pleaded to the manager to the cashier, to the janitor, to the delivery boy...No one would hear me out...

So on the shelf of dreams i layed thinking. "i can never be the dough I want to be..." i sulked.

"In reason lies contentment, and in contentment lies reason.."

My chef friend then whispered to me..And crystal as the searing heat of the oven, I knew what I must do..."I will be a Newyork's finest pizza...The best ever!" I stormed the kitchen and like Dr. Frankenstein, I was up all night working on becoming the "Ultimate Newyork's Finest Pizza!".

So i guess your all wondering what happened to me after that. Were together now, that girl in the story. And I'm loving every minute of it I tell you..So I guess your wondering if I ended up being a Newyork's finest huh? Nope...it was impossible. To this day I still sometimes dream I could become her favorite pizza, but I know I'm not. That night in the kitchen, I decided to be the best cheese pizza that I could be...and as the days go by, I just try my best to make her happy with being me...No anchovies, no beef or pork slices, no garlic or onions...just plain cheese..just me..I hope I can go on making her happy and content.

come wine and dine

Here are the keys
Open my heart
Be it a lease
Let it be a start

And you will find
What must be found
In passions kind
Come here love’s sound

Move in and stay
Come wine and dine

i wish i knew

How I wish I knew
Of how inspiration can be
That of sweet sorrow
And not that of tragedy
Come & here the violins cry
I share with them a song
Of loneliness in these cold hours

Come wind, be a friend
Invite me to play with you
As you brush against my face,
Lick my tears dry til no more are found
It may take a while
For this feeling I’m bound

Hope seeps out silently
As day & night trade places
I close my eyes and run to you
I miss you… I love you
And now, just now
I don’t have the slightest clue
Of what I should I do

too fast it seems

too fast it seems
how you can outrun time
and live life like it's another day's work
to all my heart's envy
not a single word
nor do i hear a single breath
how i wish i can be like you
not to care too much
not to hurt at all
i stood up for just a minute
you came running--
only to close the door
and behind me it slammed
the echoes, rising loudly til now
i'm just sad you see
because i loved... to all my heart's giving
i blame you not
i just wish you told me from the start
but then again, how are you to know?
that my heart you will unsew

for the moment

As told of time, the reason for being is dealt with historically open ending chapters of a somewhat fantasy rollercoaster ride. Welcome to my life.

A student I say...Always am, always will be. no greater than what i know and what i came to discover. Treading along the way I purchase what my heart contents of and believe in it until one day, faith takes me to where i should be standing

for the moment...

Sometimes, i mean to take charge...but it always takes me back to square 1...So I let my feet be swept by Love, Hate, Desire, Compassion -I am left unlearned. Scars will heal...the earth will be up on it's feet...the wind will take my thoughts and leave ideas. Too profound at times, I dare challenge what twisted entanglements of dreams, wantings and that of resentment and sling them around me to grow from it hopefully. I light a candle of my fingers' to feel what is real.

So now I lay down my life on the table...scanning through it's pages, some torn, some folded, some worn and some left untouched..

this is me

this is how

this will be

my life

the greatest lesson

still learning

still growing...